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contessa
24 December 2006 @ 09:17 am
 
 
Current Location: bahay
Current Mood: giddy
Current Music: "deck the halls with boughs of holly....falalalala lala...!"
 
 
contessa
13 December 2006 @ 05:52 pm

at certain times of the year, or in my particular case every other month, i become hormonally-imbalanced and have too-close-for-comfort encounters with my emotions.  i get too bloody sentimental, pun intended.

i also become a little more OC than usual and have been known to fall into cleaning frenzies.

on one such occasion, i decided to attack my bedroom, the one i spent nearly all my pre-adulthood in and the silent witness to nearly all my teenage dramas, the one i came home to after college.

after throwing away wedding and debut souvenirs circa 90's and the photos sent by an overeager suitor, i unearthed an entire box of paper treasures.    

before the advent of the internet and the unsentimental electronic mail, my friends and i kept in touch through snail mail.

yes, we actually took the time to hold a pen and any handy scrap of paper--charmalou once sent me a paper napkin--and filled the page(s) with every minute detail of each other's day.

my friends were especially creative in what they use as envelopes.  there were torn magazine pages and cartolina paper.  once, elly used onion paper and stuck butterfly stickers all over.

i always felt a rush of delight every time the postman delivered.  invariably, i get called on the dorm intercom every week.  my high school barkada were very diligent letter-writers and i saved practically every piece of paper, even a fastfood receipt one of them wrote on.

among the letters, were also playbills of some of my favorite luce auditorium presentations.  i read each one all over again and silently sang the tunes i can remember.

needless to say, it halted my cleaning frenzy.  i went into a sentimental haywire instead.

 
 
Current Location: davao bahay
Current Mood: blah
Current Music: sugod - sandwich
 
 
contessa
23 November 2006 @ 04:56 pm

          everything is coming into focus.
          please God, let it be. amen.
 
 
Current Location: davao
Current Mood: hopeful
Current Music: panalangin - moonstar 88
 
 
contessa
19 November 2006 @ 11:39 pm
i miss manila.  truly, madly, deeply.

i've been saying it since i got here, but more so in the past few weeks.  i really, really miss the metro, especially makati.

crazy as it sounds, i was even sad that i didn't get to experience 'milenyo'.  i got so used to being rained on & flooded out at this time of the year, i actually felt that something was missing in my routine.

i never used to watch the news, but i watch it now just to get a glimpse of edsa.  yes, weird (and maybe a little psychotic).

i miss the smog, the skyscrapers, the 24-hour joints, the smell of coffee from the cafe puro factory, and the old lady vagrant who sleeps near bagtikan st.  i miss having my umbrella turned inside out whenever a storm's coming.  i miss the reckless taxi drivers and the plus-size lady who sells fried chicken at our street corner.

i miss my psid friends, especially the people i usually hang out with.  chester's melodramatic text messages started this whole tirade and then gian called last night and monet YM'ed earlier...i just had to post! 

i miss sharing a roof with my family there.  i miss my kitchen.  i miss my space.  several months ago, i got so sick of that "space" that i yearned to get out; hence the visayas trip and the davao homecoming.

my visit home was supposed to be only for a week and the week stretched out into--gasp!--three months now.  i had to give up some commitments in the process, but well, i understand that i have to be here...for the meantime.

it's a little strange since this is the longest i've stayed since leaving for manila in 2001.  i'm still so unfamiliar with the roads and landmarks, people ask me if i'm really from davao.  what's so ironic is i have no such problem in manila; i know the streets and routes like the back of my hand.

of course, that brings me back to why i miss manila.  it has become so familiar and strangely, safe.  the anonymity of big-city living has slowly eroded.  manila has a face to me now and i'm wanting to see it again soon.
 
 
Current Location: davao
Current Mood: weird
Current Music: the high school musical
 
 
contessa
10 November 2006 @ 12:11 pm
NUNG BATA KA:

*kumakain ka ba ng aratilis?

*nagpipitpit ng gumamela para gawing soapy
bubbles na hihipanmo sa binilog na tanggkay ng
walis tingting?

*pinipilit ka ba matulog ng nanay mo pag hapon at
di ka papayagan maglaro pag di ka natulog?

*marunong ka magpatintero, saksak puso,
langit-lupa, teleber-teleber, luksong tinik?

*malupit ka pag meron kang atari, family computer
or s-nes?

*alam mo ang silbi ng up, up, down, down, left,
right, left, right, a, b, a, b, start?

*may mga damit ka na U.S.E.D., Boy London,
Cross Colors, Esprit, Blowing Bubbles at pag
nakakakita ka ng Bench na damit eh naalala mo si
Richard Gomez?

*addict ka sa rainbow brite, carebears, my little
pony,thundercats, bioman, voltes v, mazinger z,
daimos, he-man at marami pang cartoons na hindi
pa translated sa tagalog?

*nanonood ka ng shaider kasi nabobosohan mo si
annie at type na type mo ang puting panty nya?

*marunong ka mag wordstar at nakahawak ka na
talaga ng 5.25 na floppy disk?

*inaabangan mo lagi ang batibot at akala mo
magkakatuluyan si kuya bodgie at ate sienna...
nung high school ka inaabangan mo lagi beverly
hills 90210?

*gumagamit ka ng AQUANET para pataasin ang
bangs mo?

*meron kang blouse na may padding kung babae
ka at meron kang sapatos na mighty kid kung
lalake ka?

*nangongolekta ka ng paper stationaries at mahilig
ka magpapirma sa slumbook mo para lang
malaman mo kung sino ang crush ng type mo?

*kilala mo si manang bola at ang sitsiritsit
girls? e si luning-ning at luging-ging?

*alam mo ibig sabihin ng time space warp at di mo
makakalimutan ang time space warp chant?

*idol mo si McGyver at nanonood kang perfect
strangers?

*eto malupet... six digits lang ba ang phone
number nyo dati?

*nakakatawag ka pa sa pay phone ng 3
bentesingko lang ang dala?

*cute pa si aiza seguerra sa eat bulaga at alam mo
ang song na "eh kasi bata"?

*inabutan mo ba na ang Magnolia Chocolait eh
nasa glass bottle pa na ginagawang lalagyan ng
tubig ng nanay mo sa ref?

*meron kang pencil case na maraming
compartments na pinagyayabang mo sa mga
kaklase mo?

*noon mo pa hinahanap kung saan ang Goya Fun
Factory?

*alam mo lyrics ng "tinapang bangus" at
"alagang-alaga namin si puti"?

*alam mo ang kantang "gloria labandera"..
lumusong sya sa tubig ang paa ay nabasa at
ang "1, 2, 3, asawa ni marie"... hehehehehe?

*sosyal ka pag may play-doh ka at Lego... at
nag-iipon ka ng G.I. Joe action figures at iba pa
ang mukha ni barbie noon?

*inabutan mo pa yung singkong korteng bulaklak at
yung diyes na square?

*lumaki kang bobo dahil ang akala mo nangangagat
talaga ang alimango sa kantang tong-tong-tong...
diba naninipit yun?

*alam mo yung kwento ng pari na binigyan ng pera
yung batang umakyat ng puno para bumili ng
panty... and shempre, alam mo rin ba kung ano
binigay nya sa nanay nung umakyat ng puno?

*meron kang kabisadong kanta ni andrew e na
alam mo hanggang ngayon.. aminin?

*laging lampin ang sinasapin sa likod mo pag
pinapawisan ka?

*bumibili ka ng tarzan, texas at bazooka bubble
gum... tira-tira, at yung kending bilog na
sinawsaw sa asukal?

*takot ka dumating ang year 2000 dahil sabi nla
magugunaw daw ang mundo?

KUNG ALAM MO LAHAT DITO LAGPAS KA NA
NG 25 YEARS OLD... KAPAG HALOS LAHAT
ALAM MO, NASA 23-25 KA...

WAG KA NA MAG DENY.. TUMAWA KA NA
LANG... DIBA .75 CENTAVOS PA LANG
PAMASAHE SA JEEP NUN AT MAS
MASARAP ANG MELLOW YELLOW KESA
MOUNTAIN DEW?
 
 
Current Location: office
Current Mood: ditzy
Current Music: The Joshua Tree - U2
 
 
contessa
01 November 2006 @ 10:01 am
it was a dark and stormy night...

ok, not that stormy. more like a drizzle, actually. but it was enough to prevent us from going trick or treating (yes, madahan, at OUR age!).

toots & i resorted to some camera-whoring to amuse ourselves. the alternative would have been drinking, but we are simply not wine people!

we took several shots of our shadows (weird, i know). i took shots of toots in various climbing poses (don't ask me why). toots took this shot of me hiding in vain behind a tree half my width! we also took several pictures of us together with our camera phones so we could MMS our friends. pasuya ba...nasuya man sad, hehe.

we went to the convenience store in our costumes, and of course, there was a lot of double-taking going on. one lady customer stared so hard at the rubber horns i was wearing--probably because it looked so natural on my head--i could feel her silent indignation, like i was being blasphemous or something.

altogether it was fun! big kids being big kids ;D

 
 
Current Location: daba-daba
Current Mood: crazy
 
 
contessa
21 October 2006 @ 05:26 pm
the first texted greeting came at 12:30 AM, october 20.  i fumbled for my cell and tried to chase the sleep away while i read the text. 

it was from ian c. sending me advanced birthday greetings and iloveyous.  next was joseff's in his usual literary fashion, so tagalog and sweet.  gian, as usual, was asar and tried to hide the fact--unsuccessfully-- that he misses me.

all throughout yesterday and especially today, my phone constantly beeped and rang as my dad and brothers in manila, my aunt, cousin & nephew in aklan, my loving family in davao, friends from silliman, psid and pwc, ex's of friends, acquaintances, my wannabee fiance, all sent their best wishes, virtual hugs and kisses, and projected love over the phone.

oh, and my mom cooked my favorites and let me eat cake.

i am blessed.  i like turning thirty-one :)
 
 
Current Location: cloud nine
Current Mood: happy
Current Music: birthday song
 
 
contessa
02 October 2006 @ 07:31 pm
the last thing i expected to hear was a marriage proposal, but i did at half past midnight last night.  the appropriate reaction would have been a sigh, batting eyelashes and a carefully orchestrated tear on my cheek...instead i guffawed, not the very least romantic.

the whole thing was surreal.  deja vu.  he proposed to me--sort of--nearly ten years ago.  i refused him then, i refused him now.  the first time i was in love with someone else.  now, i'm just plain not in love--with anyone.

not that i completely don't care about him.  we've been very good friends so i could say that i do love him on that level.  years ago, i was so infatuated with him...until i fell in love with my best friend.  now, said best friend is married to someone else and he would have been the perfect choice in my process of moving on.

i--with all my inherent bitchiness--find myself incapable of playing with his emotions.  i care too much yet not enough.

he said he wanted to be with me and if i wasn't ready to get married, he'll accept my terms as long as i say yes. 

i tried to choke the word out...but i couldn't.  instead i laughed and tried to make a joke out of the whole situation.  good thing, he was a little too buzzed from liquid courage to take serious offense--he also had a few drinks before he popped the question  years ago.

anyway, we had a long talk, shared a few laughs and he asked me one last time, "will you marry me?"  i didn't bother to ask him if he really loved me.  i didn't have to.  like he told me, i KNOW him...too well, sometimes.

we said our goodbyes, not sure when we'll see each other again.  all i know is that on my birthday, he'll be thinking of me...like he always did for the past ten years.


 
 
Current Location: davao
Current Mood: bouncy
Current Music: save ferris - i want you to want me
 
 
contessa
14 September 2006 @ 01:08 pm
lami ra gyud ang bisaya.

kung ikumpara sa tagalog, i am certainly prejudiced kay bisaya gud ko!  palag?!! hehe.

from the time i first learned to talk until the time i went off to college, i spoke tagalog...well, "davao tagalog" really.  it was what was spoken at home and in school.  i could understand bisaya, but i couldn't speak it fluently.  the most lalum phrase that i could say back then was "ayaw kabalaka..."

when i decided to go to a university in the visayas, i simply had no idea what i got myself into.  i arrived weeks before school started and had my mom for company.  i was practically mute and would talk only with mama; she'd be the one communicating with everybody else--medyo funny paminawon kay she speaks with a mix of ilonggo, bisaya and tagalog. 

anyway, even before school began, i was referred to by my dorm mates as "hilas", "arte", "dato nga tagalog".  the latter was meant  contemptuously.  my bank account had no actual bearing on the matter.  for some reason, a tagalog-speaking person was perceived as elitist. 
 
i had joined the archery team at the beginning of the semester and hanging out with a bunch of dumaguete guys, plus a scornful dumaguetena who had no patience for my speech, i learned to revise my tongue quickly.
 
in a matter of weeks, i was fluent in dumaguetespeak.  madahan! di pud dagway!   hehe!

karon, mas ganahan na ko magbinisaya.  usahay maglisud gihapon ko pero mas layhan na ko kesa managalog...mas kumportable na hinuon ko.  ambot lang kung sakto ba ang
spelling sa akong visayan words or kung sakto ba ang grammarbasta, in any case, i found my true self--bisaya dyud diay ko!

 
 
Current Location: stuck in davao
Current Mood: amused
Current Music: omigosh...paris hilton's song keeps playing in my head!
 
 
contessa
06 September 2006 @ 11:22 pm
Your Brain is 60% Female, 40% Male
Your brain is a healthy mix of male and female You are both sensitive and savvy Rational and reasonable, you tend to keep level headed But you also tend to wear your heart on your sleeve


You Are 60% Boyish and 40% Girlish
You are pretty evenly split down the middle - a total eunuch. Okay, kidding about the eunuch part. But you do get along with both sexes. You reject traditional gender roles. However, you don't actively fight them. You're just you. You don't try to be what people expect you to be.
 
 
Current Location: desk ko pa rin
Current Mood: bored
 
 
contessa
06 September 2006 @ 08:45 pm
Who Should Paint You: Pablo Picasso
Your an expressive soul who shows many emotions, with many subtleties Only a master painter could represent your glorious contradictions
 
 
Current Location: my desk
Current Mood: bouncy
 
 
contessa
30 August 2006 @ 07:09 pm
for years, i've been in a nonrelationship--which, i suppose, confuses the heck out of the people around me.

don't you want something more?  a friend once asked.

do i?  in my loneliest moments, yes; then i pinch myself and i'm back to my cynical self.

i'm surprised things even lasted as long as they did...i'm surprised he put up with me.  maybe he did love me.  it's my problem that i was never content.  it's my problem that, even though i could confess to anybody that i love him, i still could never commit.

it was not a matter of fidelity...on either side.  we both knew the score and were honest of affairs in between.  but whenever he proposes, i become flippant and i simply could never say yes.

oo na...alam ko...tanga ako.
 
 
Current Location: hayba
Current Mood: gloomy
 
 
contessa
30 August 2006 @ 02:46 pm
i used to read to escape.

now, i just go online.
 
 
Current Location: owpissina
Current Mood: blah
 
 
contessa
20 August 2006 @ 11:35 pm

Davao_048the most relaxing two days ever! and i have but a few pathetic photos to show for it.  the digicam conked out at the last minute.  i suppose it is God's way of keeping my bragging in check.

last week had been quite hellish.  watery eyes, nonstop sneezing and dripping snot--not a pretty picture of me and so i spent almost the entire week confined indoors and socially regressing. 

thank God for generous and sympathetic aunts!

right after i got over my cold, i was told to pack my bikini and we headed off to pearl farm beach resort in kaputian, samal island!  five unmarried women in their prime plus my mom may seem unlikely companions for such a romantic destination, but i didn't mind.  it turned out to be a really fun trip!

it was a 45-minute-boat ride from the mainland and when we docked near the parola bar, we were met with leis and welcome drinks by the friendly staff. 

we were booked at the samal houses, which are built on stilts right above the water.  we had to pass the infinity pool, the man-crafted falls, and beautiful vegetation by the hillside lane to reach our rooms.  i could see schools of fish swimming right under our balcony.  i was quite speechless and giddy.  it was all so serene and lush.

the resort prepared a lunch buffet, a very generous feast.  the first morsel i popped into my mouth was suha or davao pomelo.  it was mouthwatering.  the sea air had whet our appetites and we all ate more than we probably should (and that's how it went with the rest of our meals during this trip). 

drowsy and sated, we settled into our lounge chairs and took a nap along the shore.  there's nothing like fresh air, calm water and fine sand to compose the ultimate relaxing experience.  we couldn't see the city line from our viewpoint and it seemed like everyday life was far away in an alternate universe.

later, we didn't have a roaring night-out; everybody was too tuckered out from swimming and laughing.  of course, getting drunk was not an option for me with my mother there.  too many old white men also made me leery of hanging out at the bar.

the following day after breakfast, we headed off to malipano island.  it's a secluded island about two hundred meters or so off samal, on which exclusive villas were built for paying guests and also for the floreindo clan, the resort owners. 

only one villa was occupied and manong felix, the island caretaker, was graciously accommodating.  he let us stay on the more private beach strip and later took us on a tour around the island. 

i immediately ran to the water and swam off to a platform floating a few meters from the shore.  i wanted to sunbathe--so desperate for a tan!--but the heat got to me and i sought refuge in the cool water. 

it was heavenly, floating on my back and looking with half-closed eyes at the clear blue sky.  i could feel tiny nips from little colorful fishes swimming around me unafraid, and i could see small crabs slowly climbing from the sea to the wooden platform.

alas, the dream must end.  all too soon we had to head back to samal for our check-out.  it was all so surreal when we once again boarded the boat that would take us back to mainland. 

i was in a holiday fog...until i smelled the petroleum from a nearby oil depot when we docked.  back to reality.  at least, i got a tan--just half a shade darker, but it's still a tan!

 
 
Current Location: purgatory
Current Mood: lethargic
 
 
contessa
26 July 2006 @ 04:16 pm

i'm still catching my breath. 

it seems unbelievable that i coursed through the negros island in a week, but i did.  kulang...as in.  i could have spent a month there and it still would not have been enough.  i'm trying to sort out everything in my brain, to find the words that could fully express what this trip meant to me, but i'm coming up empty.  there are no words.  simply memories--new ones
that mesh beautifully with the old. 

Negros_022Negros_033_1Negros_046_2Negros_049_2Negros_052_edited









love...coupled with laughter.  yup, that's it.  that's what this trip is.

to everyone, thank you from the deepest part of my heart.

 
 
Current Location: durianburg
Current Mood: drained
Current Music: silence is a virtue :)
 
 
contessa
10 June 2006 @ 06:47 pm
another notch on the calendar and i feel so old, only it's not my birthday.  it's my godson eric who's celebrating, and he just turned sixteen.

sigh.

it seemed like only yesterday when we hurried to the nursery, eager to see the newest addition to our family.  there he was, all pale and pudgy.  i wanted to scoop him up and kiss his chubby cheeks.

he was not related to us by blood, but a carload of cousins went along to visit.  his parents were long-time, loyal employees--considered family by my own family.  when his mom celia finally conceived after several years of hoping, we were all more than excited.  my youngest brother was almost ten by then and we all agreed it was about time for another baby in the house.

when he came home with us (his parents have their own quarters at our house), we were consumed with giddiness.  even my friends regularly stopped by to see him.  at the ripe age of 15, i and two of my closest  kabarkada became his godmothers.

eric had the run of the house.  after waking up, he would toddle to my parents' bedroom, bringing along his blankie, and settle on their bed to watch cartoons--even if my dad still happened to be there.  he calls my parents "mommy" and "daddy", and that apparently works because, even now, he gets special attention.  and after school, i was supposed to babysit him so everybody else can do their work. 

his birthday happens to fall on my aunts' annual homecoming from the states.  so, he would always have this big birthday bash with MY family and dollars tucked neatly in his trouser pocket.

unsurprisingly, all that attention spoiled him rotten.  by the age of four, he was superbly bratty.  everyday, there would be an inevitable clash of wills between us and i'd become the evil godmother in his eyes.  because i was the one watching him most of the time, i was allowed to discipline him, i.e. spank him.  that did nothing to smoothen our relationship, but it produced the desired effect.  he learned to behave and was actually a nice and polite boy.

their family eventually moved into their own place and then, i left for college and later moved to manila.  i would get phone calls and crayon drawings from him  and updates from his mom and my mom.  when i come home, it would usually be in time for recognition day at school and i get to go on stage and pin medals on him.  i was a proud godmomma.

the crayon drawings turned into text messages, which later came in spurts and then silence--a version of a closed bedroom door.  he was growing up and i wasn't there to witness it. 

what i did get to see was a preteen who suddenly wasn't comfortable being seen with a girl and would rather hang out with my brothers.  the preteen then became a half-giant who wore baggy pants and oversized shirts.  when i saw him last christmas, he was sporting--gasp!--facial hair and refusing to let go of a pair of drum sticks because he was leaving for practice with his "rock band".

and now he's sixteen.  i just texted him to remind him to check the schedule for the UPCAT.  oh my god, college!

ric, happy birthday!  i can no longer call you "langga" in public, but you will always be my baby butchoy.
 
 
Current Location: where else
Current Mood: exhausted
Current Music: Everything You Want - Vertical Horizon
 
 
contessa
08 June 2006 @ 02:18 pm
if you've been wondering why i'm updating my journal in my kitchen, well, my computer's here.  i've my study desk a few feet away from the stove and sink.  why?  because it's the only place we can fit it in.

it took a while for me to adjust to living in cramped metro spaces.  it took some time for me to get used to not having a lawn, much less a garden.  no, i didn't used to live in a mansion, but in my hometown we have plenty of space.  and even if your front yard is merely a meter wide, for sure it would be crammed with greenery and the ever-present malunggay

i hated moving to manila, at first.  the heat coming off the concrete during summer, the dust clogging up my nostrils, the conspicuous absence of a cool breeze to dry off the incessant perspiration did nothing to endear my new home to me.

but it grew on me.  when i took my first stroll along ayala avenue and stared up at the glass skyscrapers, i marveled at human ingenuity.  how everything is conveniently laid out in proximity.

i liked the anonymity, especially after the annoyingly close scrutiny one usually receives when living in a small community.  i liked walking the same path and knowing that the person i'm face-to-face with today may not be the same face i'll meet tomorrow.

i liked the big-city atmosphere.  just knowing that i'm living in the nation's capital and getting first-hand updates on the issues gives me a thrill, corny as it may sound.

i miss manila when i go home and always look forward to coming back. 

strange, but i usually sigh with relief and a feeling of rightness always settles in my chest whenever i take that cab ride home and see EDSA looming on the horizon.  it's inexplicable and sounds a little scandalous even.

but it is how i feel about my home of five years now.  it's the same feeling i got when i lived in dumaguete, and of davao before i left for college. 

probably by now, i should realize that home is not a location, it's a state of being.

funny how profound one can get by merely sitting in the kitchen.
 
 
Current Location: kitchen
Current Mood: thoughtful
Current Music: Butterfly Carnival - Sandwich
 
 
contessa
07 June 2006 @ 05:14 pm
i want my life to have meaning...purpose...a sense of direction.  heck, i'd settle for a little mobility, a reason to get out of the house other than to buy groceries and take the trash out.

i can't even remember the last time i had plain, clean--much less kinky!--fun.

of course i have a choice!  i certainly have the prerogative to go out there and conquer the world and be that glorious person the little girl me imagined that future me to be.  and then i remember the ties that bind---ties such as family and responsibility and payback.

don't get me wrong.  nothing was ever outrightly demanded of me, but there is such a thing as intuition.  and unfortunately, i am acutely intuitive.  the silent pleas to keep things in order is deafening.

i love my family and i love doing the things i do for them.  nothing gives me more profound pleasure than seeing them happy.  but occasionally a swirl of discontent upsets my balance and i look toward the other side of the fence and wish...

so now i've settled for delayed gratification. holding on to that 'someday'.  firmly believing that my time will come.  now, if the clock would just hurry a little bit.
 
 
Current Location: kitchen
Current Mood: contemplative
Current Music: Everyday is a Winding Road - Sheryl Crow